Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
