Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
