I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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