how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
