Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
