I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
