i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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