it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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