I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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