can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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