woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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