My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
