i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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