you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
