Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
