I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
