I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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