do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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