My boss' voice literally gives me gas
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
