Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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