Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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