I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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