if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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