it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
