im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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