My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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