you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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