so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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