I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
