So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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