Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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