Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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