I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
