When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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