I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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