the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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