You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
