my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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