it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
