That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
