i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
