i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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