You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
