I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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