i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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