I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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