my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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