dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
