The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
