I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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