Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
