theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
