So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
