so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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